Sometimes I feel like God is coming at me in absolutely every area of my life. I'm sure that means He's trying to tell me something, but I'm too tired to figure out what that is when I'm battling life day after day.

I'm tired.

The Blues and the Mean Reds

How can you be with people all the time,but still be so lonely? I do spend a lot of time alone sometimes, but only after surrounding myself with others has left me just as lonely.

It's happening again. Those beginning stages of depression. I want to fight it. I want to do something. But I can't. I ask the Lord to help, to wash away this feeling. But I just end up feeling like I'm drowning even more.

For once my parents are barely noticing that I'm not ok, but they just think that I'm mildly sad that spring break is over. I say I'm fine when they ask.

I never cry when I'm alright, but lately everything makes me cry. Even in front of people. I hate it so much, but can't help it.

I want help, but don't want to admit that I need it. What do I do? I'm so unhappy with everything. I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to go back to my cold, empty house. I don't want to go back to the people who used to be my friends but treat me like I'm a stranger now. I wish I had someone I could talk to who would just listen. Just be there, and not get scared away or judge me or think that they can do something to fix me.

I feel this barrier going up between me and everyone around me. I feel this black hole of sadness and apathy swallowing up the parts of me that feel and think happily and rationally.

This is about the worst time for me to want to be with someone, but it's the main time part of me wishes I were in a relationship. This is what I always do, and what ends up happening is that I'm distracted for about a month, and then I feel comfortable enough to let the person know what's really going on in my head, and they escape, just in time for me to feel even more unloved and unwanted.

I don't know how to keep living. I hate feeling like my life is completely out of my control. Completely. I've tried/thought of everything I could do. Nothing has worked, is working, or will work

Song Lyrics

Dear Valued Readers,

Using art created by others to express your own individuality is probably the least unique thing anyone has ever done. However, I can't seem to refrain from doing so. While this is a condition of mine that would usually make me extremely depressed and start a cycle of self-hating that is so deep that all I can do is think of Dashboard Confessional song lyrics, I'm turning a new leaf. I've realized that the thoughts and creations of others are wonderful, and it's a wonderful part of life to be able to make use of others' creations. It would be even better if I could somehow force my own brain to come up with something enlightening and beautiful and worth being used by many people across the world when they are feeling uncreative themselves, but I won't let myself get too carried away.

On this virgin post of my "blogger" blog (I'm clarifying that this is my "blogger" blog because I've had many others) I'm happily stating that this will be my outlet for using and abusing the words of others, and forming some probably incoherent words of my own.

Your Faithful Writer,
Meggie