It's happening again. Those beginning stages of depression. I want to fight it. I want to do something. But I can't. I ask the Lord to help, to wash away this feeling. But I just end up feeling like I'm drowning even more.
For once my parents are barely noticing that I'm not ok, but they just think that I'm mildly sad that spring break is over. I say I'm fine when they ask.
I never cry when I'm alright, but lately everything makes me cry. Even in front of people. I hate it so much, but can't help it.
I want help, but don't want to admit that I need it. What do I do? I'm so unhappy with everything. I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to go back to my cold, empty house. I don't want to go back to the people who used to be my friends but treat me like I'm a stranger now. I wish I had someone I could talk to who would just listen. Just be there, and not get scared away or judge me or think that they can do something to fix me.
I feel this barrier going up between me and everyone around me. I feel this black hole of sadness and apathy swallowing up the parts of me that feel and think happily and rationally.
This is about the worst time for me to want to be with someone, but it's the main time part of me wishes I were in a relationship. This is what I always do, and what ends up happening is that I'm distracted for about a month, and then I feel comfortable enough to let the person know what's really going on in my head, and they escape, just in time for me to feel even more unloved and unwanted.
I don't know how to keep living. I hate feeling like my life is completely out of my control. Completely. I've tried/thought of everything I could do. Nothing has worked, is working, or will work
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